If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
I have been thinking a lot lately about why it is so hard for so many of us to make changes or try something new in our lives.
Change is hard. Just the idea of change can be overwhelming. Even when it is good for us, it can be difficult to do. Just thinking about making the decision to change something in your life or put yourself out there in some way can spark unending amounts of fear and anxiety.
Even if we genuinely want to try something new, fear could be a main reason for why we can’t seem to make it happen. We already know that a little fear is likely an indicator that you are growing and really pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone (Read more here). But too much fear might stall you in your tracks.
So, let’s look more closely at what drives our fears.
What Are We So Afraid Of?
Judgement
It takes courage to do or be something different than what people expect. Whether is it something big like completely changing your life to something small like altering a habit, people’s opinions of your choices and actions can have a real impact on how successful you will be in taking action.
This one is very real for me. Deciding to start my own business, write a book, and contribute to another one within one year has caused many hours of anxiety. Sharing your thoughts with your friends is one thing. They are supposed to love you.
But what if they really hate what you are doing? What if they think your writing sucks?
Now, add the idea of sharing your work with completely strangers? In this day of constant engagement on social media, everyone is more than ready to share their opinions about you. People are not always kind. Do I really want to open myself up to that?
The short answer is YES!
If what you are creating brings you joy, why not do it?! If what you are trying to become or the improvement you are trying to make allows you to be a better, stronger person, what are you waiting for? What if what you create helps makes other’s lives better?
Who cares what other people think??
Why do we allow these people to have this much power over our actions? Essentially, we allow the virtual strangers to control what we do. There is another way. Ask yourself the following questions…
- Does this change make me happy?
- Do I find fulfillment when I share my ideas/work/talents with the world?
- Even if everyone else hates it, would I still create for myself?
If you answer yes to any of these, then judgement of others will ultimately have no power over you. It might cause some short term grief, but just do it anyway.
Failure
Alright. I have been there. I am here all the time and hate failure just as much as the next person. The reason I often take a long time to take action is because I don’t want to fail. Essentially, I try to think through every possible scenario to plan and prepare. I don’t like to appear stupid for not having thought something through. The reality is this just doesn’t work for everything.
The truth is some of my greatest life lessons have come from my failures. As much as I hate to fail, it is in those moments I have learned the most about who I really am and what I most want in life. It doesn’t mean that it made anything easier. It just means I had to be brave enough to do it anyway.
So what if you fail?
At least you tried something. Don’t be that person lying on their deathbed regretting all that they didn’t do.
When I am consumed with the fear of failure, I try to remind myself of Thomas Edison’s famous words…
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
Failure comes to us all, some more than others. Rarely does success happen without bumps and lumps along the way. Failure only defines you if you allow it to. Choose to learn the lesson, however many you need to, and try again.
Disappointing Those Close to Us
Having a strong support system is so important in life. Whether friends or family, these people truly make up the tribe of support that gets you through the daily grind. They know and love you, faults and all. It is natural to fear disappointing these same people when considering a change that might not meet with what they expect of you. From deciding to get divorced in a family where divorce just doesn’t happen to choosing to pursue a vegetarian lifestyle in a family of meat eaters, any change (regardless of scale) that deviates from the expected can result in disappointment and disapproval. In some cases, this can lead to fractured or strained relationships.
Sometimes, that is just the way it has to be in order for you to move forward. Taking time to talk through the whys, to explain perspectives, to open and honestly hear each other out is the only way to tackle this. The hope is that there is enough love and respect to agree to disagree.
When thinking about writing this post, I couldn’t help but think of my aunt who used to listen to me talking through ideas or choices I was considering. Her name was Karoma and she was one of a kind, like her name. She was several generations older then me, but always tried to be understanding and open. She didn’t always agree with me, but she would listen and ask questions. Ultimately, she would say something like…I don’t agree or understand but that doesn’t mean I love you any less. Keep in mind, not everyone in my life is this way and that is okay. We all have to be true to who we are and what we need to be happy in life.
Unfortunately, she passed away several years ago. I have tried to follow in her footsteps in how I can support someone I love and care about even if I don’t agree or understand. The truth is, as much as we have fear, most everyone around us feels the same. The lesson I hope that you take away from this is that we are all in a similar boat. Any change or unconventional next step is hard and sometimes there won’t be many cheerleaders around to push you through the tough moments. Don’t let that stop you.
The Unknown
Not that these have been in some sort of order, but I saved a big one for last. There are times where you have the support, you have thought everything through, and you feel confident in the direction you need to go. But, you still can’t seem to get going. For me and for many I know, sometimes it is the unknown that causes a pause. Different can be good, but goodness is it scary! Being able to fully envision a new or different life is hard. Sometimes you know the big change has to happen, but all of the little steps in between are the challenge.
I encourage you to really look at any change you are putting off making. What is really holding you back? If it is fear, then what do you fear most? Is it a real fear or just something that we think might happen? Even if it is a real fear, should you let it stop you?
Don’t be your own worst enemy. Throughout my life, I have tried to always approach my life with a sense of courage and common sense. I never want to look back and regret something simply because I chickened out. It isn’t always easy and sometimes the fear gets the better of me. Ultimately, it is my support network that has pushed me to move forward.
We all have to support each other. Like Karoma, just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean you can’t be supportive. Believe in karma. Give the support that you know is needed and it will come back to you.
Again, think about your current challenges. Make that first step. You might be surprised at your own success and how much support you really have. With that, I will leave you with one more Edison quote. I always think about this when I need inspiration to just keep going, even when I am not sure about the direction.
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Until next time…
